Thoughts on marriage....

How come so many of the phraseology we use to denote marriage has a negative connotation? Getting hitched. Taking the plunge. The old ball and chain. True, it is a huge decision not to be taken lightly. And lots of couples go through a lot of stress and worry when deciding to "settle down" or take that next step. For Rick and me, it wasn't that big of a deal.

I don't mean for that to sound insensitive. But when you have been together as long as we were, plus you lived together beforehand, most everything you could know about the other person, you already do. Sure, marriage brings with it legality. Now if I get sick of you, I can't just run away to the nearest Holiday Inn. Well, I could, but legally I'm still tied to you. It also might bring joint checking accounts, new last names (which are a pain in the butt, by the way), and joint holidays that you now divvy up between families. It might bring talk of children, or in our case, pets. But most of all, I think it just brings about learning how to live your usual, boring, everyday lives with each other without totally driving each other crazy. So here is just our experience in a nutshell and what we found most important to learn before getting hitched.

1. Learn each others' little quirks. When we first moved in together, Rick and I had an issue with towels. I grew up washing a towel after every individual use. Rick grew up re-using a towel for the entire week, which grossed me out. We drove each other nuts with our opposite towel ideas. This seems trivial, but it's one example of how we learned to compromise. We don't use towels for the whole week, but I have slowly learned to re-use them once (maybe twice) and not freak out about one hanging over the towel rack in the bathroom. Rick has accepted that we will do laundry more than he is used to. I'm glad we got that sorted out before we got married.

2. FINANCES are a big one, especially if you are making different salaries and/or have different ideas about spending and saving. I don't blow money, but I am not as frugal as Rick. If I see a pair of shoes I ZOMG have to have, and it won't empty my checking account, I usually buy them. Rick wears his t-shirts until they're practically threadbare. If I have one piece of advice (and again, take all this with a grain of salt seeing as we've only been married a month and a half), it would be to get your crap in order regarding money. Do you want separate or joint accounts? Do you have to discuss all purchases with each other before doing them? How much do you want to save? What are your financial goals in life (buying a house, vacation fund, etc.)? We may only have been married a short while, but we have been a couple for almost 7 years and have had many many money discussions over the years, some where we got frustrated and it didn't go anywhere, some where we had a good talk and accomplished something. We are currently on the same page money-wise and it has made the transition into marriage so much easier.

3. You should probably talk about kids. Luckily, we haven't been hounded with the "When are you having kids?" question since getting married. All in due time, I'm sure. We have both decided we are still way too selfish and have way too much other stuff we want to do right now before having kids, but we definitely want a dog as soon as we live somewhere that allows one.  We're not sure if we want kids in the future or not. But we are both on the same page with that. If one of us definitely wanted them and one of us didn't, I would assume that would lead to problems and/or resentment in the future, which would be not fun.

4. Remember what you fell in love with. I feel like our honeymoon period only lasted for the literal honeymoon. Because when we came back, the "real world" slapped us in the face rather quickly. I had a bunch of Grad school homework to get finished in a week, plus planning a new class for work. Rick started working right away again. We had a ton of wedding gifts we had no room for, our apartment was a mess, I was struggling to get back on track with eating well and working out, and we were just exhausted and missing vacation. It felt like normal life, like what it was like before the wedding and fantasy land. That's OK. Real life happens. Amidst the bills, work, car issues, grocery shopping, and cleaning, it's good to remember what you fell in love with when you first started dating that made you want to marry the other person. It's good to still hold hands on date nights, open the door for your significant other (guys), have picnics on your living room floor, go out to movies, dance in your living room, and give each other surprise gifts "just because." No, those things don't pay the bills, but they make your life fun and enjoyable and keep your marriage alive and fun.

So, we are by no means marriage experts. For pete's sake, it hasn't even been two months. And I know dating for 7 years doesn't make us experts either. But those were just a few things we learned along the way that make our marriage easier (so far). I don't know why marriage as an institution has started getting sort of a bad rap. It could be the divorce rate, I suppose, but most things in life that are worth it involve some risk-taking, some sense of the unknown. I think a lot of it (the way it's portrayed in movies and TV shows as being boring, the romance-ender, etc.) is a mixture of humor and the real-life doldrums dragging it down. The thing is, those real life issues will be there, whether you are single or married. When you're married, you have someone else to go through the doldrums with, which makes it a little bit more bearable. I also think some people enter into marriage with false preconceived notions. They think problems they had pre-marriage will automatically go away with the marriage license and wedding bands, but they are wrong. I got angry at Rick's driving way before we got married, and I still can't stand his driving. Our wedding didn't make that go away, but that's OK. I didn't expect it to.

So if you are thinking about getting married, I'd encourage you to think about it long and hard, but not be scared off by how it's portrayed so often in the media. And if you are married and have some great, awesome advice to share with us, let me know! I don't mean for this post to come out sounding like "Marriage is so much fun! Give it a try. It's so EASY." In fact, I hope to convey the opposite. It's hard. I know that just by the short time I've been married. Nay, I think relationships are hard, and marriage is just seen as harder because it's legally binding for the most part (doesn't sound romantic when you put it that way). But in my opinion, it's worth working for. Both relationships and marriage are worth working for. Especially when you figure out what the heck to do with your towels.